Love: Conflict
“There’s a fine line between love & hate”; “The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s apathy.” These (and many proverbs like them) hit a specific note within our human experience of loving someone.
Why?
What is it about the concept of love that is so intimately linked to not only positive emotion, but the negative experiences of conflict too?
A few weeks ago, as Seth Troutt walked us through the importance of the Nicene Creed, (time stamp 30:00) he reminded us of the significance of Christianity being tied back to the original narrative of the Torah.
Christians hold themselves to be intimately tied to the call for Israel to be a distinct people that blesses the world through their obedience to God.
One unique and intriguing thing about this original people group - God named them ‘Israel’. In Genesis 32 we learn that this name was given because His people ‘wrestled with God’!
The shocking reality is that God is not only okay with conflict… He somehow honors & redeems it! He held it in such high regard, that He named His people after the practice.
I think at its core, there’s something beautiful about two people struggling to match their values & experiences. We’re all flawed. So when two people share a life, it’s inevitable that there will be clashes. (If there’s not, this may be a warning sign just as significant as a house overwhelmed with contention).
Loving conflict is a tool that helps refine our disordered desires; it’s one person refining another. And hopefully, at the end, the result is two more whole & healthy individuals.
But loving conflict is a skill - one that needs to be developed, improved, & practiced over time.
A few resources I’ve found helpful when I’m confronted with my need to grow:
• Leveraging personality tests (when not in the mess of it) to explore personal motivations and values. The more my loved ones and I understand each other’s origins and values, the easier it is to accept different perspectives. Free links to some of my favorites:
• Taking time to map out & discuss family of origin stories. What are our triggers? What 10₵ problem elicits a $1 response from us? Why?
• Jotting notes on a napkin works, as does sketching out a diagram, but for more in-depth work, consider using a Genogram software like this one.
• For more serious situations & issues, we’ve sought the assistance of professional counseling:
• A team I highly recommend is a practice run by Dr. Raymond Branton, Psy D.
A quick clarification that’s unfortunately much needed in a fallen world: there’s a world of difference between healthy, biblical conflict, and unhealthy discord that can span the range from harmful to abusive. Christians & the Church should be the biggest voice & advocate for calling out the difference.
If you’ve felt the conviction that the conflict in your relationships may not be of a healthy variety, please consider checking out a few additional resources:
For men tempted towards using fear & violence as a tool, consider reading Chris Mole’s ‘The Heart of Domestic Abuse: Gospel Solutions for Men Who Use Control and Violence in the Home’
For both men and women who are trying to diagnose the health and trajectory of their marriage, Leslie Vernick’s ‘The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope’ is a good resource (including questionnaires and assessments).
For anyone looking for perspective on evaluating & defining abuse, check out Darby A Strickland’s ‘Is It Abuse?: A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims’.
For additional reading on when wives should resist a non-biblical husband’s leadership, revisit this blog post by Seth Troutt.
Finally, if you’re in a meaningful relationship with someone who may benefit from the content of this article, please consider sharing.
For grave concerns including domestic violence (DV), additional contact numbers are provided below:
DV STOP (Shelter Availability): 480.890.3039
Gilbert Crisis Team: 602.222.9444
National DV Hotline: 1.800.799.7233
Winged Hope: 480.757.7030
Gilbert Police Department (24 Hr.): 480.503.6500
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